MORNING

Weaving words, over twiddling thumbs,

i downed some blushing liquid – my somber mind numbs,

the silence and dignity of the night belie my armageddons within,

my eyes awash with its fluid crystal kin.

i'm bushed...

my alabaster box threatens to take over,

my pure spikenard slept, a demented demeanor.

as the crescent sun softly illuminates the dignified night around me,

in comforting silence, the hand of the Lord works - He's waiting for me.

i hedged...

breaking my alabaster box is the way of fragrance,

but in breaking there is blood,

there is death,

a resentful hindrance - to be won in compliance.

yet just as ones' own sheaths break open to die,

in dying, life of fruitfulness is promised

to beautifully lie.

i have long 'lepered' myself from feeling

these all too familiar pains,

i'm afraid my dormant responses to aches are

resurfacing unbidden, like summer rains...

confusion hammered my defiant reason,

confidence ebbed out of me in triumphant treason,

i fumbled with the murdering morsels of uncertainty,

i fidgeted over the physical mortician's attacks so trigger-happy,

i fretted at uncontrolled trifles,

i'm used to be the one taking charge -

of these voluntary crosses i carry, in my drifting barge.

i plumbed the depths of silence for answers,

waves of hurt welled within,

one emotion tumbled over another,

i shuddered,

i'm cornered,

to Him i surrendered,

the alabaster box is breaking...

it's shattered.

it's morning.

my spikenard's awakening - 

finally, a beautiful morning...

praises to the Dayspring!
(Lk1:78 KJV)

Mourning Morning

Casualties within our compound:

7 gemlina trees
2 mango trees
1 caimito/star apple tree
2 yellow bell trees
unaccounted for young trees and plants along the compound's riverbanks.

I'm mourning still. I was awake yesterday midnight till morning. The weeping of the trees against the howling of the winds is still in my memory. I wasn't surprised at daybreak. In front of me was MURDER. The death of some trees older than me...trees I planted with my dad, mom and siblings.

Nature giveth and taketh - I know it but mourning is inevitable. Damn typhoon.

It's a day after the typhoon but still I can't get over it. Sometimes I wonder why our place is not gifted with some rolling hills to at least shelter us from strong winds but then, who am I to question the general order of things? I should at least be thankful that I do not live in a place with harsher climatic conditions like the poles or the deserts.

I'll miss the trees. They were more than siblings to me. Unlike some people, they have stood by me every time I needed their shelter and companionship. They always listened to my rants and mind you, they give the best advice. They go: "Shhhhh..." as if to say, "Hush, take heart, everything on earth passes away." They give without expecting much in return. It's too sad that I can't for the love of Christ be there for them when the raging winds were ripping them off.

Here's to the memory of them who never leave us unless murdered.

I love trees.

Today's Snapshots

Splendid morning. Woke up early. I feel healthy. :-) Went to the office earlier than the employee who sneers at me every time I arrive late (haha!). I was able to finish my targets for the day by 11 AM. There is no wealth like health, I tell you. The body cooperating with the mind alofts the spirit and I just feel beautiful today. Haha! Feel lang. Pasagdi na lang ko kay feeling man lang siya. :-)

I think this has got to do with my yoga stints with Hazel and Louie a couple of days ago and the meditations I tried doing every morning thereon. The yoga principle that you can float like a lotus flower in a smudged pond is very inviting at the same time reassuring. The possibility of rising above an impossible workplace, a corrupt government, people with multitudes of hang-ups around you and all crap is just… beautiful. (running out of adjectives! lol) I can’t get the word beautiful out of my vocabulary today, obviously. (Sings inside my mind, strike the D chord please: “Gopala Govinda Rama, Madana Mohana… ”)
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Agot Isidro’s “Beginning Today” has been played twice over the radio this AM. How lucky can I get? :-) I miss Agot.
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The pack of Bread Stix I nibble everyday in the office tastes heavenly. Is this a new recipe or I woke up with a different tongue?
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Everybody seems nice and fresh and smiling. Including the employee I hate to see everyday. What is wrong with the star and moon alignment today, if such is in any way answerable? Is this a glitch in time or am I wearing a different set of eyes? I wish I could live in this same temperament of the day at least once a week.
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No, it’s not a sunny day today. Some drizzle outside and it’s charming. Very charming. Wish I could go out and feel their light taps against my skin without catching other people’s attention; indulging without looking absurd all at the same time. :-)
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Mayan my officemate is laughing. I like that. Apart from my corny lines, she seldom does. I wonder if somebody I know has got something to do with it. I’ll bet my fare home he is responsible for this lil quirk in her.
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Hypothesis confirmed, he has got something to do with it. lol
Hitler be damned. (smirks) What a day!

Untitled 36

It's bedimpled tenderness
and manly strength
preempted
my bolt from the blue dilation..
as it seemingly begs my willing palm
to feel it...
softly caress it...
sensuously stroke its length...
slowly feel its warmth
on my cheeks...
to my playful lips...
i blinked and scolded
my insistent imagination...
but she shamelessly continued
to play fire with temptation...
i see me
kissing it reverently...
tracing its tip
with the flaming flesh of my tongue...
rhythmically nibbling it
to its tumescence...
gently sucking its length
to its rubescence...

-this-

is driving me febrile.
i fought the aching urge to ACTUALLY

grab it...

fit it into...

and squeeze it within mine.

You hand utterly bewitched me
in such a short time...

Lamentations X

(formerly Untitled 18, penned 12-24-1999 and was supposed to be sent to somebody. hindi ko naipadala.lagi ko namang hindi napapadala...)

a raindrop rigged its way down my rufescent eye,
encapsulating condensed, cataclysmic pain...
the droplet paved way to outpouring rain,
of hurts I hide but can't contain

pain unspeakable, unspoken - ravished me,
shattered me - ruefully
the slow smiles you carved at the curve of my mind,
in no way outweigh
my bleeding anguish you'll find

your day by day absence in my life,
is a day by day death deep down inside.
each day, the pain multiplies,
as my multiple pin-pricked heart quietly cries...

in my peter-pan world i slowly fade,
in one teary lake i helplessly wade -
the lone figment that anchors my will to survive is the faith:
that you will be mine,
if not now, some time -
if not here, somewhere -
in a place where i fearlessly paint my starflowers - green,
and my crescent sun - radiant blue,
in a place where eternal present is between me and you
my cheri, i tearfully
and painfully
and intensely
miss you...

Positive Perspectives

(I've read that life is too short to nurture pains and nurse animosities. I thought it would be better to take on the positive side of everything. Here's an attempt to create something positive about day by day negatives...)


BRUISES are rounded rainbows -
an ensemble of beautiful colors,
a reminder to thank the Lord for your eyes -
appreciate the hues of pain in disguise.

At times when there's ACHING in your TUMMY,
think that some butterflies visited your stomach-so-lonely.
They wouldn't be there for long,
they just need some place to stay,
befriend them and cheer up,
for soon they will be away.

Seering HEADACHE? baby, worry not -
stuff inside just changed to choclate knots!
Sleep my baby, take a sweet nap,
when you awake, with milk and
some cookies, we'll munch 'em all up! :-)

When you are weighed down
by some stubborn FLU -
smile my comrade, you should never be blue.
If somebody farts, your nose it will spare
even if everybody altogether farts,
you wouldn't even care :-)

Your BACK has got some TROUBLING sensations?
hush! some poor pins must've lost their mummy cushion!
nestle them there for some period of time,
their mom will soon find them,
you will be fine.

Pains are just temporary,
and hurts at times, are necessary -
every time you feel like there's no other way
but to fall,
whisper in your heart:
"God is in Control".

Insult the Doctor!

I’ve been an unwilling hostess
to Mr. Flu and Mr. Bruce S.
while Eik brothers – Hedd, Buck and sTom-Mack
alternately ravished my body restless
stress? fatigue? immune anemia?
lupus (God forbid)? hypochondria? (haha!)
are these pains themselves the diseases?
or symptoms of some unknown illness?
I’m tired of getting sick,
I rage against science’s inability to ascertain quick,
I see my old pillows like little monsters in trance,
my blanket – an iron encumbrance,
the bed – a sick pit,
its sight and comfort, I no longer long,
I no longer seek.

Impatience... grueling impatience…
to unscholarly “under observations”…
i’m annoyed by ditto prescriptions.
Patience… the nature’s pace is patience…
tread on it, never leave it,
survive the odds, dear heart, damn it!
t'is not the first time you’ve gone through this shit
or is it?

Temperance… forbearance…
a mantra to carve in remembrance…
forgive my temper, should my manners falter,
if “symptoms persist”,
i’ll INSULT the doctor!

Anonymous

(this is an old verse i did months back for the anonymous angel who always seem to come to my rescue in the most unexpected moments. it is because of her/him that i have schemed my way through my shatterings. because of her/him, i have learned to appreciate the beauty of anonimity. i pray i could do justice to my anonymous angel by virtue of paying forward and by this short verse i lovingly made and dedicate to her/him. i hope she/he gets to chance upon this piece...)

“Thru the efforts of Governor Perilla”
“Compliments of Liberry Condensada”
“Community Project of Class '82”
“Mass sponsored by Juanito Yu”
“GNA cares!”
“ABS-CBM shares”
“Donated by Beta Alpha Delta”
“Relief goods from US of Anerica”

Good deeds overflow in amazing quantity,
but anonimity in these is a perplexing scarcity,
in a land of maggots screaming mammon honors to the fin,
anonimity is one surprising and refreshing morphine.
The beauty of anonimity douses me and heals me,
unnamed oasis in my resonating quandary,
a giver without a face but with udefiled vest
of undisturbed love in its purest, in its best.
Be careful not to your acts of righteousness before men, to be seen by them,
for if you do you will have no reward from your father in heaven (Mt.6:1)
Times when your right palm gives and your right arm not even sees,
it sure is Him whom you highly please.
The anonymous is a sign of bleak yet abiding hope,
that the seed of genuine good is alive and till rapture will cope,
a potent rock in the fortress of my father,
my thanks, my salutes, to the anonymous will linger...

Skyblues of Silence (again!)

i painted salts for my hourglasses:
rose-red for ripples
skyblue for silence
i walked and worked
and tirelessly talked
i've exhausted my rose-red salts
my skyblues of silence again starts
fettered people around me objected
they forced me to ripple
these blood-sucking hare-brained people!
i couldn't care, your voices i muffled.
in deep silence my muted heart speaks
in deeper silence my rusty pen and my paroled heart links
in silence the deepest, i get to listen
the whispers of heaven and the hums of the sun risen.
Silence is my loyal childhood friend
she buries my pains and hears my unspokens
she calms my rage, she tames my wild
she hushes my sobs when i'm beguiled.
she placed her arms around my frailty -
i am comforted.
my old friend welcomed my bitter failures -
i am sedated.
somehow, i feel, my home is here
my hades is near
but within i sifted
and found no fear...

Armageddon 58

Repeatedly, I shun you away,
yet in my lowest moments
and indifference to your constant kindness
you chose to stay,
you listen to my silence -
and in silence I hear your eyes pray,
my soul begs you to stay,
my spirit shuns you away.
Please flee from my sight,
fall in your steadfast kindness
I just might.
I’m human, I’m frail,
for him, I don’t want to fail,
I’m near His fire,
still chill runs up my wire,
the battle of my spirit and my soul continues,
I plead for His mercy that I might well choose,
Counselor, don’t let me lose,
in your will I intend to cruise…

The Red Revelation

Love, its genesis
but oh frailty! thy name is human
so of love deceived --- injustice
of injustice --- rage
of rage --- bloodshed.

Bloodshed!
thou should fear -
for bloodshed is chastity ripped.
Hymen ripped is ripped forever
bloodshed is an undying river.

Of bloodshed --- death,
thou shan't fear -
for death does not exist
bodies rot, but the spirit lives!

Lamentations IX

all i wanna do
is simply wrap you with my love
but everytime
a beam of chance peeps
mountain ranges grow between
always there to cover
always there for me to get over

how do i get close to you, moreso stay?
how do i lose myself in you, yet never lose my way?
how do i get through you when sands of time won't let me stay?

in this ever replaying song
i've been hurting all along
too painful in details to utter
i choose not to even remember

like a bad book
i want this story back to its gloomy shelf
and march back to my old unfeeling self

can time rewrite its every sad line?
can these changes retain the silent joys in it i bind?
would fate this time be a little kind?

resentments...
regrets...
they're not ---
just keyed-in lamentations interwoven in this leaf to ease the pain -
just silent thoughts outpouring in disdain...