MORNING

Weaving words, over twiddling thumbs,

i downed some blushing liquid – my somber mind numbs,

the silence and dignity of the night belie my armageddons within,

my eyes awash with its fluid crystal kin.

i'm bushed...

my alabaster box threatens to take over,

my pure spikenard slept, a demented demeanor.

as the crescent sun softly illuminates the dignified night around me,

in comforting silence, the hand of the Lord works - He's waiting for me.

i hedged...

breaking my alabaster box is the way of fragrance,

but in breaking there is blood,

there is death,

a resentful hindrance - to be won in compliance.

yet just as ones' own sheaths break open to die,

in dying, life of fruitfulness is promised

to beautifully lie.

i have long 'lepered' myself from feeling

these all too familiar pains,

i'm afraid my dormant responses to aches are

resurfacing unbidden, like summer rains...

confusion hammered my defiant reason,

confidence ebbed out of me in triumphant treason,

i fumbled with the murdering morsels of uncertainty,

i fidgeted over the physical mortician's attacks so trigger-happy,

i fretted at uncontrolled trifles,

i'm used to be the one taking charge -

of these voluntary crosses i carry, in my drifting barge.

i plumbed the depths of silence for answers,

waves of hurt welled within,

one emotion tumbled over another,

i shuddered,

i'm cornered,

to Him i surrendered,

the alabaster box is breaking...

it's shattered.

it's morning.

my spikenard's awakening - 

finally, a beautiful morning...

praises to the Dayspring!
(Lk1:78 KJV)

Mourning Morning

Casualties within our compound:

7 gemlina trees
2 mango trees
1 caimito/star apple tree
2 yellow bell trees
unaccounted for young trees and plants along the compound's riverbanks.

I'm mourning still. I was awake yesterday midnight till morning. The weeping of the trees against the howling of the winds is still in my memory. I wasn't surprised at daybreak. In front of me was MURDER. The death of some trees older than me...trees I planted with my dad, mom and siblings.

Nature giveth and taketh - I know it but mourning is inevitable. Damn typhoon.

It's a day after the typhoon but still I can't get over it. Sometimes I wonder why our place is not gifted with some rolling hills to at least shelter us from strong winds but then, who am I to question the general order of things? I should at least be thankful that I do not live in a place with harsher climatic conditions like the poles or the deserts.

I'll miss the trees. They were more than siblings to me. Unlike some people, they have stood by me every time I needed their shelter and companionship. They always listened to my rants and mind you, they give the best advice. They go: "Shhhhh..." as if to say, "Hush, take heart, everything on earth passes away." They give without expecting much in return. It's too sad that I can't for the love of Christ be there for them when the raging winds were ripping them off.

Here's to the memory of them who never leave us unless murdered.

I love trees.

Today's Snapshots

Splendid morning. Woke up early. I feel healthy. :-) Went to the office earlier than the employee who sneers at me every time I arrive late (haha!). I was able to finish my targets for the day by 11 AM. There is no wealth like health, I tell you. The body cooperating with the mind alofts the spirit and I just feel beautiful today. Haha! Feel lang. Pasagdi na lang ko kay feeling man lang siya. :-)

I think this has got to do with my yoga stints with Hazel and Louie a couple of days ago and the meditations I tried doing every morning thereon. The yoga principle that you can float like a lotus flower in a smudged pond is very inviting at the same time reassuring. The possibility of rising above an impossible workplace, a corrupt government, people with multitudes of hang-ups around you and all crap is just… beautiful. (running out of adjectives! lol) I can’t get the word beautiful out of my vocabulary today, obviously. (Sings inside my mind, strike the D chord please: “Gopala Govinda Rama, Madana Mohana… ”)
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Agot Isidro’s “Beginning Today” has been played twice over the radio this AM. How lucky can I get? :-) I miss Agot.
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The pack of Bread Stix I nibble everyday in the office tastes heavenly. Is this a new recipe or I woke up with a different tongue?
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Everybody seems nice and fresh and smiling. Including the employee I hate to see everyday. What is wrong with the star and moon alignment today, if such is in any way answerable? Is this a glitch in time or am I wearing a different set of eyes? I wish I could live in this same temperament of the day at least once a week.
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No, it’s not a sunny day today. Some drizzle outside and it’s charming. Very charming. Wish I could go out and feel their light taps against my skin without catching other people’s attention; indulging without looking absurd all at the same time. :-)
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Mayan my officemate is laughing. I like that. Apart from my corny lines, she seldom does. I wonder if somebody I know has got something to do with it. I’ll bet my fare home he is responsible for this lil quirk in her.
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Hypothesis confirmed, he has got something to do with it. lol
Hitler be damned. (smirks) What a day!

Untitled 36

It's bedimpled tenderness
and manly strength
preempted
my bolt from the blue dilation..
as it seemingly begs my willing palm
to feel it...
softly caress it...
sensuously stroke its length...
slowly feel its warmth
on my cheeks...
to my playful lips...
i blinked and scolded
my insistent imagination...
but she shamelessly continued
to play fire with temptation...
i see me
kissing it reverently...
tracing its tip
with the flaming flesh of my tongue...
rhythmically nibbling it
to its tumescence...
gently sucking its length
to its rubescence...

-this-

is driving me febrile.
i fought the aching urge to ACTUALLY

grab it...

fit it into...

and squeeze it within mine.

You hand utterly bewitched me
in such a short time...

Lamentations X

(formerly Untitled 18, penned 12-24-1999 and was supposed to be sent to somebody. hindi ko naipadala.lagi ko namang hindi napapadala...)

a raindrop rigged its way down my rufescent eye,
encapsulating condensed, cataclysmic pain...
the droplet paved way to outpouring rain,
of hurts I hide but can't contain

pain unspeakable, unspoken - ravished me,
shattered me - ruefully
the slow smiles you carved at the curve of my mind,
in no way outweigh
my bleeding anguish you'll find

your day by day absence in my life,
is a day by day death deep down inside.
each day, the pain multiplies,
as my multiple pin-pricked heart quietly cries...

in my peter-pan world i slowly fade,
in one teary lake i helplessly wade -
the lone figment that anchors my will to survive is the faith:
that you will be mine,
if not now, some time -
if not here, somewhere -
in a place where i fearlessly paint my starflowers - green,
and my crescent sun - radiant blue,
in a place where eternal present is between me and you
my cheri, i tearfully
and painfully
and intensely
miss you...

Positive Perspectives

(I've read that life is too short to nurture pains and nurse animosities. I thought it would be better to take on the positive side of everything. Here's an attempt to create something positive about day by day negatives...)


BRUISES are rounded rainbows -
an ensemble of beautiful colors,
a reminder to thank the Lord for your eyes -
appreciate the hues of pain in disguise.

At times when there's ACHING in your TUMMY,
think that some butterflies visited your stomach-so-lonely.
They wouldn't be there for long,
they just need some place to stay,
befriend them and cheer up,
for soon they will be away.

Seering HEADACHE? baby, worry not -
stuff inside just changed to choclate knots!
Sleep my baby, take a sweet nap,
when you awake, with milk and
some cookies, we'll munch 'em all up! :-)

When you are weighed down
by some stubborn FLU -
smile my comrade, you should never be blue.
If somebody farts, your nose it will spare
even if everybody altogether farts,
you wouldn't even care :-)

Your BACK has got some TROUBLING sensations?
hush! some poor pins must've lost their mummy cushion!
nestle them there for some period of time,
their mom will soon find them,
you will be fine.

Pains are just temporary,
and hurts at times, are necessary -
every time you feel like there's no other way
but to fall,
whisper in your heart:
"God is in Control".

Insult the Doctor!

I’ve been an unwilling hostess
to Mr. Flu and Mr. Bruce S.
while Eik brothers – Hedd, Buck and sTom-Mack
alternately ravished my body restless
stress? fatigue? immune anemia?
lupus (God forbid)? hypochondria? (haha!)
are these pains themselves the diseases?
or symptoms of some unknown illness?
I’m tired of getting sick,
I rage against science’s inability to ascertain quick,
I see my old pillows like little monsters in trance,
my blanket – an iron encumbrance,
the bed – a sick pit,
its sight and comfort, I no longer long,
I no longer seek.

Impatience... grueling impatience…
to unscholarly “under observations”…
i’m annoyed by ditto prescriptions.
Patience… the nature’s pace is patience…
tread on it, never leave it,
survive the odds, dear heart, damn it!
t'is not the first time you’ve gone through this shit
or is it?

Temperance… forbearance…
a mantra to carve in remembrance…
forgive my temper, should my manners falter,
if “symptoms persist”,
i’ll INSULT the doctor!